Missteps at Paresa

On Wednesdays Matt and I ride around to different 4-5 star hotels on the island to set up distribution through their gift shops. We generally walk right in (as if we belong there) and confidently walk around until we stumble upon the gift shop. It's usually pretty funny as we generally don't know what we're getting into. Last Wednesday's experience, however, was particularly funny and memorable.

Paresa is a beautiful 5-star villa resort hidden in a secluded portion along Millionaire's Mile (a gorgeous, incredibly expensive stretch of coastline--where Michael Jackson actually used to own property!) We thought this would be a good place as it's upscale as well as known for being "gay friendly"

As Matt and I rode up to Paresa we saw a bus unloading a group of guests at the gate. It's a private, gated resort and Matt goes, "lets hurry up and walk in with them." So we rushed to park the motorbike next to all the others. Even though all the other motorbikes were facing outward (backed into the spaces) we parked ours with the rear out, and started to scramble up the hill toward the bus of guests walking in. We got about two steps up the (steep) hill before we heard the thuds..We turned to see our motorbike had fallen over and was knocking the others over like dominoes! One after the other! Luckily a Thai guy appeared out of nowhere and began lifting the bikes up and righting them. He then helped us turn our bike around and park it properly (explaining why ours fell in the first place). At this point everyone was staring at us and Matt and I were cracking up. He goes, "That was so embarrassing. Should we just call it? Leave?" But we decided after all that, we had to at least try!

We proceed to walk in, past "security" (which I've learned in this country means virtually nothing) acting as if we know where we're going. Once through the "secured" gate, we proceed to walk down a ramp and find an elevator. We noticed there were a lot of Thai people staring at us, but no one stopped us or said anything. So we got into the elevator. Immediately we noticed it was NOT a nice elevator. It was small and dingy...I said, "This doesn't look like 5 stars.." and Matt goes, "I think we might be in the staff elevator." We pushed a button and ended up in what was certainly some kind of storage area. We pushed another button and ended up deeper into the staff quarters! Where we obviously had no business being. We immediately pushed the top button and got out of the elevator and quickly scrambled back up the hill. Why no one stopped the random farangs from getting in the staff elevator in the first place is beyond me.

We started wandering through the resort (finally in the area where guests were actually allowed) past villas and such. It should be noted that 1) It was HOT as hell that day. Upper 80's, sunny and humid! And 2) Paresa is built into a hillside and therefore full of steep, sloping hills! Needless to say a few minutes in and Matt and I were sweating profusely as well as completely lost. We were definitely having a good laugh at ourselves though.

We found another elevator and got in (lots of trial and error in this country). When the doors opened, this was what we saw:

So of course we figured when in Rome...

...and snapped a few photos. I mean, we were there so why not? Haha. Eventually we did actually find the gift shop. On our way back up the many steep hills toward the gate a member of the staff on a golf cart passed and was like, "would you guys like a ride?" (obviously assuming we were guests and not random interlopers that had found our way in) and naturally we said yes! Matt and I still laugh about this experience. Not one soon to be forgotten.

Koh Phi Phi Part II: JEB Stuart Reunion and Fire Shows

Later that night, as I'm standing on the beach with the others (waiting on Matt to finish primping so we could go to dinner) 

who do I see walk by, and up to our hostel but Vafa and Ajmal! I turned to our dinner group and go, "Um excuse me guys, I think I went to high school with them." Everyone was like, "No way!" But I walked up and sure enough it was Vafa and Ajmal. I should preface the following by saying first that Matt and I DID know they were in Thailand. We'd tried to organize meeting up while they were in Phuket for a few days but it hadn't worked out. None of us, however, had any idea we were all going to be on Phi Phi the same weekend. It gets better....not only were they on Phi Phi, they were staying in our hostel! And even better than that...

Me: "You guys are staying here too? That's so funny."

Ajmal: "Yeah we're the first door on the left."

Me: "WE'RE the first door on the left!"

..that's right, we were not only staying in the same hostel, we were all staying in the SAME ROOM! What are the odds?!? It was a ten bed dorm style room and 6 of the beds were Nova kids!!

JEB Stuart (+ one Falls Church) Reunion!!

We all hung out and enjoyed copious buckets of Red Bull Vodkas (literally buckets--as you see in Anthony's hand) and watched the fire shows. The fire shows were incredible!

After the initial performance, they pulled out a flaming jump rope and encouraged crowd participation. Let me tell you, there is nothing like seeing very drunk people jump a flaming rope! Since they speed the rope up faster and faster until the participant can't keep up, it's essentially only a matter of time until everyone gets hit with the flaming rope. It's fascinating to watch. I do wonder, however, if there are people around Thailand nursing legitimate burns. No one seemed too upset at the time but I think that had to do with the buckets of alcohol. I imagine there were some unhappy people come Sunday morning.. After the flaming jump rope came the flaming hula hoop.

Vafa actually braved this and quite impressively I might add. He didn't just jump through it, he somersaulted through it! I was just glad to have my camera out in time to catch this:

It was an amazing time. I have to admit though, while it was hard to leave such a beautiful place, it was quite nice to head home to a hot shower and a private bed. And to give my body a break! I fear I might not have survived more than one night on Phi Phi :-p

Koh Phi Phi Part I: Long Tail Boat Ride

A friend of ours organized a group trip to Koh Phi Phi (the island of Phi Phi) for her birthday this past weekend. It was amazing! Koh Phi Phi is THE island you see in all the photos of Phuket. I equivocate it to Santorini in Greece. When you see all those images of the beautiful blue dome churches in Greece, those are almost always photos of Santorini. Likewise with Phi Phi and Phuket. It's also where they filmed the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, The Beach. It is possibly one of the most beautiful places on earth.

After arriving and checking into our hostel (below is the view from our hostel, Blanco Dorm)

We grabbed a quick lunch, drinks, ice and boarded a long tail boat for a 6 hour ride around the islands.

It was by far the coolest thing we did on Phi Phi. If you ever make it there, do a long tail boat ride! We spent the day drinking, snorkeling and swimming. The views were phenomenal and it was such a good time.

I have to confess that after that many hours in the sun + lots of drinking + general debauchery = you end up pretty toasty. We ended the ride wearing life jackets as diapers (or "nappies" as our friends call them) floating in the cove you see above, still drinking (of course), and humming the John Williams score to Jurassic Park...because c'mon, how can you not think of Jurassic Park when you look at this?

A Night out in Paradise

Patong is an area of Phuket known for its crazy party scene. It's like the Vegas of Phuket: loud, crazy, dirty, full of prostitutes and sex shows, no open container laws..etc. In the right state (read: really, really drunk) it can be a fun experience. The main drag in Patong is called Bangla Road. It's quite the experience in and of itself. There's a tequila bar right across from Suzy Wong's (which I found out was a strip club by accident) where you can get 6 shots of "Tequila" for 100 Baht (~$3). Tequila is in quotes because whatever they give you, it's not Tequila. It's some mix of liquor, with Tequila involved (I think) but who really knows here?

Needless to say, there's no such thing as a low-key night on Bangla Road. While Patong/Bangla can be fun in the right circumstances (again read: smashed), it's not really my cup of tea. The other weekend, however, Matt took me and a bunch of the girls out in Patong but to Paradise, instead of down Bangla. Paradise is the gay area of Patong, and it was AWESOME.

(the girls before going out in Paradise)

Paradise is not nearly as sketchy as Bangla, and obviously has a lot more style! Instead of a lot of strip clubs, it's full of really cool, slightly smaller bars.

(/\ Peter being Peter)

And of course, lots of fabulous lady boy shows! Mariah, Celine, Rihanna...they were all there. And they were fantastic! The girls and I spent a good portion of the night, front and center in front of the stage singing along with the lady boys.

While I think Bangla Road can be fun sometimes, Paradise was much more my scene! If you ever find yourself in Patong after dark, I highly recommend stopping into Paradise and grabbing some shots and a lady boy show at one of the bars.

An Ode to Caitlin

Caitlin flew back to South Africa on Saturday evening for her graduation. In South Africa there is a degree you earn between a Bachelor's and a Master's called an Honor's degree and Caitlin had just finished hers before she came to Phuket on holiday. She had to return for the graduation ceremony. We joked that her departure warranted its own blog post entitled "An Ode to Caitlin" haha. After attempting a funny poem (and failing) I decided instead to post a message I received from Caitlin after she arrived safely back in Capetown. It is perhaps the funniest WhatsApp message I have ever received:

I literally cried when I read this. I figured this would do a much better job of explaining Caitlin and her wonderful sense of humor than anything I could write myself. I am happy to say she will be returning for a week before I head to Dubai--I look forward to many more coconuts, banana pancakes, and fried mussels! As well as loudly saying "no please it's MY pleasure" passive aggressively as people regularly cut us off on sidewalks and buses ;)

Insert Foot in Mouth

This actually happened a couple weeks ago, but as Matt likes to remind me of it regularly, I decided it's embarrassing and funny enough to warrant its own post..

A couple weekends back Matt and I attended a birthday party on the beach at Cape Panwa for one of his friends.

Thanks to some steady pregaming at our friends' place beforehand and the fact that once you paid a flat rate you could mix your own cocktails...well lets just say we ended up pretty toasty.

The majority of the guests at the party were teachers at Matt's school. There were, however, lots of new faces as well. So as we're mingling Matt spots this one hot guy. We discussed it and both agreed we were pretty positive he was gay. He had been talking with this one girl and Matt goes, "she's his friend, lets talk to her, she'll know his deal." We approached her and introduced ourselves. We chatted with her a bit and then here's how the conversation went:

Matt: "Who was that guy you were talking with?"
Girl: "Oh that's James"
Matt: "What's his deal?"
[Drunk] Me: "He's definitely gay. There's no way he's straight."
Girl: *laughs then says something I unfortunately missed..*
[Drunk and Idiotic] Me: "Yeah there's NO way that guy's straight."
Girl: "He's with me."

...you see what she had originally said that I missed was "he's my boyfriend". Woops!
Luckily this was clearly not the first time she had heard this. She laughed it off (thank goodness!) Matt credits me with actually recovering remarkably well considering I should have just inserted my foot into my mouth at that point...
Me: (pause...) Well you would know! Haha. Nevermind!

I will say, while I was IN the wrong for telling this poor girl her boyfriend was gay...twice!...Matt agrees that I was not wrong. Trust us on that one. Nevertheless it was not one of my finer moments. And just to make sure I don't forget that.. every once and awhile Matt likes to remind me...
"Hey! Remember when you out-ed that guy to his girlfriend?"

Like I said, not one of my finer moments!

Lost in Translation

There is often a substantial language barrier here between native English speakers and native Thai speakers. It can sometimes make for some funny misunderstandings. I was buying a pair of pants the other day and after haggling the price down, felt like a jerk when I had to ask the store clerk to break a 1,000 Baht. I asked him, "how do you say 'I'm sorry'?" He replied, "Nepal". I'm not Thai but I'm pretty sure that's not correct. My best guess is he thought I was asking where the pants were made.

Earlier today a man was offering henna tattoos on the beach. The girl next to us (who I think may have actually been American--which is way less common than you'd think!) accepted and picked out a design. As the man was sitting down to start on her tattoo he looked over at me and said "you want?" and then pointed to his adorable 7 or 8 year old son. I shook my head and he laughed and started work on her henna tattoo. I turned to Caitlin and asked "did he just...?" and she goes, "offer you his son?" We had a good laugh. Our best guess was that he was offering to let his son give me a henna tattoo...I think I'd prefer he'd have offered me the kid! Haha.

There is this wonderful fruit here that they sell along the beach. It's sweet and sour and has a waxy feel and look to it. We wanted to know what it was called so that we would know how to ask for it in the future. When Caitlin asked the woman selling it, however, she replied "grapefruit". Once again, there's no way that's correct. Haha. Although it could be in the same family! It's substantially sweeter though.

(Update: I learned it's called Pomelo!)

And then there are the common misspellings when they write in English. For example this sign we saw on our way out of Patong:

The best part about this is that this sign was about 10 feet long and 5 feet high. Hard to miss. Another word they commonly misspell is burger, which they often write as "burgur". My favorite so far, though, is this pillow we saw in the mall:

Please, don't distrub.

The most ridiculous, though, by far has been some of the T-shirts that we've seen Thai people wearing. It's common here for Thais to wear shirts in English, even if they don't actually know what it means. For example, one of my first days here Matt and I saw a woman in Homeworks (think Bed, Bath and Beyond) wearing a shirt that read "I F*** for Love"...Seriously, can't make this up. And even more inappropriate, there was a pregnant mother who came to Matt's school wearing a shirt that read "I F*** on the First Date"...she was called into the principal's office and was MORTIFIED when they explained to her what it meant. I'm certainly going to think twice before buying a shirt in Thai.